The last launch was nearly ten years ago
After years of preparation and hard work, the freedom I sort seemed impossible. I saw the stars and wanted to see my world from the heavens rather than from the blinkers of the daily grind, I just knew there was more.
It didn’t matter what I achieved, I was getting further and further away from my innocent childlike dreams. Life and its setbacks made me doubt myself, my beliefs and the people around me.
That horrible place where you have all the outward trappings of success but inwardly you have become hollow which was never the plan. How do you launch when there is no vehicle, fuel and specific destination, I just hated everything about me.
Self loathing isn’t good for a marriage, raising children and your own personal health suffers quietly, but what do you do? The ability to hide the depression that slowly crept in seemed as easy as a wounded dog not daring to show its fear and would growl louder as a survival instinct.
Preparation to launch into the heavenly orbit takes time and if you’re determined to hold onto that childlike dream with your last breath, miracles can take place.
I made a decision to start the necessary steps to prepare for the launch, not having a clue when and if it would ever happen, but I had enough of this dark state of mind, I threw self pity out the door. Sometimes you need a catalyst to prod you along a new path, I had mine. I felt like I was going to lose everything if I didn’t get up and do something. So I did something a little different.
I talked to my wife saying “I’m going to drive to the middle of the country, the desert and just stay there for a few days and rethink life. Many wives may have had reason for concern if you said that you’re heading to the middle of the desert for a few days with no plans, for my wife this was a glimpse of the man she married, but it was years since the adventurer showed up.
I went for few days and stayed at a road house and the only signs you could see out the room window was ‘don’t feed the dingoes’. I did nothing while I was there and would call my wife by payphone each day to let her know I was OK.
I tried to race the sun on the road trip home for over seventeen hundred km
The sun would rise from the east and I left the roadhouse a couple of hours before dawn and for eighteen hours I drove west trying to beat the sun home. I lost. Even this very act, revealed my state of mind at the time, everything was a race, everything was rushed and cluttered, everything was a mess.
As soon as I got home I set some new goals and started walking one to two hours a day plus other exercise to get my health and weight back in order. Within three months I lost twenty kg and physically felt great. Unfortunately my mind and soul were still like scrambled eggs. It’s a dangerous place when you are achieving what most people want outwardly but you’re getting deeper and deeper into the ground and have become a full blown insomniac.
On a new years eve I was at my worst, fearing and thinking I’ve done the best that I could do over the last few months to launch but I was nowhere near where I had hoped I’d be. I kept out of everyone’s way, I kept my mouth shut and existed with very little options. The next day being the new year I decided to go down to the beach by myself and think of the next step.
When you think it’s all over and out of nowhere you get given a new lease of life.
I sat on the sand in a secluded part of the beach and I was at my wits end. I even tried to pray but didn’t have the energy or confidence to blurt any words out. I just sat there mute and closed my eyes. I felt the warmth of the summer sun and breeze on my face and something unusual happened. I thought to myself “This is the end of the road, I can’t go on, what do I do?”
These words came to my mind “I knew you before you were born” they also dropped into my heart where all the pain was. I considered the words and what they meant, more importantly how would these words change what has steadily being destroying me? One might say I had a moment of enlightenment, others may say I had a moment of madness.
“I knew you before you were born” before you came into the world, you were perfect in every way, you were whole. The moment you were born you learned the idea of good and bad, the idea of conditioning and you have been fashioned by all the people and circumstances of life. Here you are, exhausted from all the effort of trying to be good by everyone else’s code.
On that beautiful summers day on a Perth beach something happened, the score board was wiped clean and I had a new lease of life given to me. I believe I had a spiritual encounter and I was realigned with the architect of the universe, I was also rebooted and virus cleaned. My thoughts from that day changed, the depression left me and I launched into a new orbit that lasted for years.
A couple of years ago I felt that my journey started going off track after many years of incredible experiences, connectivity and influence. I decided to come back to earth and I switched off social media connections, worked a normal job and disappeared on purpose. I have been getting ready for a relaunch into new experiences, connectivity and orbits of perspective to help others..
My encouragement to anyone that is living in the grind and your dreams are fading, get up and do something different, meet new people. Maybe go to a quiet place and listen for that still small voice that revolutionised my life.
Your best days are before you as are mine.